babe, this is more of an assignment than an actual entry for the sake of writing. i'm going to see if i can sort it out here. tell me if this doesn't work for you.

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He would wake up in the morning and wonder what to do with his day. But not wonder like, "What the hell am I going to do today?" or like "What else needs to be handled today?" or "What did I forget to do yesterday?"

Just wonder.

He would then come up with an answer, or not. Either way would suit him fine. Then he would proceed with his morning ritual, fully present to the sunlight streaming in (or the rain's patter on the roof), his coffee in hand, inhaling the bittersweet sent, letting his senses unfold slowly, gaining in alertness with every breath.

He would then choose to watch TV, or go see a friend, or swim 20 laps, or strip naked and streak through the neighborhood, or proceed to his socially acceptable job, or make love to his wife, or start a fight with his brother, or write his novel, or fly to Brazil, or go back to sleep.

He would have no reason for doing either or.

He would do things for the sake of doing things.

He would be living for the sake of living.
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that btw is my reflection on what it would look like if you had nothing to live for and didn't care that you had nothing to live for. i'm trying to figure out my attachment to having a purpose and my resistance to creating a purpose for myself.

and if i wrote what he'd look like to me if he had a purpose, i think the last sentence would be the same, because for it to be a real choice, a real creation, it would be for no reason, it would be for the sake of the creation.

if there is nothing wrong then there's space to just BE. not having to get anywhere. And it's not like I'm right about this. I could stand from it. from the context of doing for the sake of doing.

i could put at stake my giving up "in order to", I could put at stake fully experiencing my life for what it is and what it's not. being fully present and not going into my head.

I could put at stake being WITH people. communicating to get and be gotten.

i keep trying to numb myself. am i afraid of getting hurt? failing? what am i avoiding? i guess i need to figure that out still, but at least I've begun creating.

I am putting at stake having my eye on someone else for more than a moment, the ability to fulfill other people's concerns.

Ahmed!! My excuse is that yesterday I was out of the house form 7am to 1am. So here i am today, i need to make up for it :p Was going to write early this afternoon but can you believe writer's block for 300 freakin words. i still don't know what i'm going to put down now, but here goes.

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i still can't shake the feeling of "what does this all mean?" I lose myself for moments at a time, fully present to what's going on in life and that question, or the answer to the question, ceases to matter. but in the long hours in between...

well, in the hours in between I ignore the question entirely by watching tv, movies, reading books, anything to distract me from actually contemplating anything. it's easier to live other peoples lives and pass judgment than live your own.

when did i become so morose? i used to hate people who used their blog to complain about their lives and feel sorry for themselves. they pissed me off because the answers to their problems were always so clear to me and it seemed like they just enjoyed being pissed, sad, irritated, depressed, suicidal or any other annoying emotion when seen on someone else.

maybe i need someone to ask me the question so i can give them the answer.
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sorry, i'm so in my head right now, i'm going to try something more light and useless tomorrow.

almost went to bed without doing this :p

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What happens after happily ever after?

Lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm already way past happiliy ever after and this is it. That I've gone through my major hurdles in life and come out the other side alive and well.

There was a time that the concept of "this is it" thrilled me. But for some reason this time, the realization is a bit of a let down. Like "this is it?" I'm 'shoulding' all over myself: I should be more in love, I should have more money, I should be making a bigger impact on the world, I should be starting my own company, I should be thinner, and the list goes on.

It sounds like a strange list to have for someone who has supposedly come out on the other side, but that's just it, I just realized that "it" NEVER ENDS. Just like this is _always_ it.

depressing? empowering? stupid? I don't know, I think I'll spend my life changing my answer to that question.
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hey babe, don't know if that's 300 but i'm going to give up thinking about whether this is a good first entry or not. 364 to go!

don't you wish people would get what you say, EXACTLY the way you meant them to get it?

I just reread my lj entries until the middle of 2006. It was strange looking at myself from a detached perspective. I still felt myself going through the same spaces i was in when i experienced those things, but knowing that i am where i am now, it makes all my angst seem a little funny and a tad bit inane. I still have compassion for myself, mind you. I know that every single complaint and depressed moment was because what i was dealing with seemed very very real to me, and it was, for the most part. I had no concept of "what's so" and was driven by my expectations of myself and of other people. And it ruined the past 4 years except for those moments when I was truly having fun, or falling in love.

These past couple of days I've been really present to how freakishly happy I am. Okay, it's not freakish really, i'm not jumping off of walls, singing on the streets or making people think i'm crazy. it's not that kind of hysterical happiness. it's just this sense of contentment that feels different from my other feelings of contentment (some which i've written of before) because i've felt it consistently so for the past month, even during the times when i've experienced pressure, or a break down in terms of not being able to deliver what i said i would deliver. my circumstances haven't changed, but it seems like EVERYTHING has changed.

after rereading my entries i feel a little sad i didn't write about the past year. i went through a lot of heavy stuff, Bangkok and Singapore were difficult periods for me, as well as the time in the Philippines directly after that. It would have been nice to have some sort documentation of those times and also my going through Landmark Education, to which i owe my current happiness.

but it's all in the past, and if i learned anything at all the past couple of months, it's that leaving the past in the past is the key to living into a future you love and is your creation.

After more than a year of "is she leaving or isn't she?", I've finally got a plane ticket out of here. Yes, it's a bit of a short notice for some of my friends out there, but it couldn't be helped, and god knows i wanted it to be helped :p I'm so relieved to know when I'm going. I've spent too much time saying that I'm leaving in two weeks, one week, end of the week, in the next three days.

So... how do i feel? Excited, scared, tired, optimistic, it's sort of hard to tell at this point.

Anyway, celebrate with me people. Despidida tomorrow, my house, 8pm. It's just going to be chips and drinks. I just want to say goodbye to people. Coz while my Singapore project is only 3 months, if i like this job, i'll be going to another country right after, so i don't really know when I'll be living in the Philippines again.

I had a rather enlightening/disturbing discussion of my personality test results at the Dianetics center in Cubao. While i don't plan to be a scientologist, or even undergo the dianetics seminar, the clarity in which i see myself now makes me want to do _some_ sort of therapy :p It really isn't pleasant when someone tells you what's wrong with you. Of course it's part of the hook to get you to take the seminar, but there's truth in what was found.

On some level I've already realized the issues brought up. It really is just a matter of whether I find that character trait worth "fixing". I don't know if having an unstable past two years is an excuse, cause or reason for why I am the way I am right now, or if it's irrelevant and I've chosen it to be that way.

I was going to write "I hope this new job..." but then I remember what the Dianetics dude Brian said, "You hope?" Again, with that language I'm not causing my realities, i'm merely going with the flow. Maybe I've forgotten that, lost over two and a half years of just floating, with the idea that what is meant to be will come my way eventually. What I realized while talking to Gents was that yes, a lot of great opportunities do come my way, but in the past I sought them out with some degree. I wouldn't have done the things I've done if i didn't cause them to happen.

I told Gents that the reason why I've been floating is that I don't know what I want career-wise. And that what I do want in general (which is indepence, financial and physical) is something that I wasn't so sure how to go about getting. Hong Kong would have given that to me and finally, finally I'm in a job that can do that for me again.

I suppose the point is that I have no more excuse for floating. That I have to give up waiting and realize that, again, I was lucky that this amazing opportunity popped up in front of me, but it's time to take it by the reins go on with my life, purposefully. No matter how cliched that may sound :p

But I can't shake this nagging feeling that I'm meant for something amazing that I just don't know about yet.

Good riddance to 2007 and welcome 2008! I greet you with wide open arms. I know a lot of people agree with me when I say that I'm relieved that '07 is over. Effin' crazy.

I hope all of your had a fun New Year's Eve and an even better New Year's Day. Let's start the year right shall we?

I love you all and hope this year I get to see more of you *hugs all around*

I'm a bit empathic. I know that over the years I have put up a wall and i try not feel as much, but this Up with People experience is opening me up way to much for my own good. I know its a combination of being extremely extremely tired and stressed out. but i wish i was immune to all the emotions swirling around me really. they're dealing with the issue of the experience ending and seperation anxiety AND the shock of seeing so much poverty around them. it isn't easy to hear people to talk about your country in a not so pleasant manner everyday. not that i'm not giving them credit, there are some that are really positive, but all of them basically go to the slums everyday so it's hard to fully enjoy the good things that are happening when they feel guilty that other people are living in far worse conditions. and then the helplessness. and then the blame on the filipino people. of course, of course, this is our country and it is something that we are responsible to address. but it's so hard to explain to them that giving a begging child money is not going to solve this country's problems. they think that just because we seem not see the beggars on the street or ignore the fact that there are slums that we are being selfish and doing nothing.

anyway i have to save my thoughts. they just finished and they're having dinner at my house. more ramblings later.

Crazy week coming up. Of course i didn't help it by wathcing Gossip Girl 1-7 today instead of working. I needed to just veg out because i will have absolutely no time when the cast arrives.

Tuesday. They're coming on Tuesday and there's still so much to be done. My month is going to be jam packed and I don't even know if i'll have time to celebrate my birthday because I have to prepare for Baguio. I swear I'm going to make sure that Dec. 6-9 rocks.

I saw Ria, Ute, Joanna, Jomar, Jeff, Earl, Pancho and Nads saturday night. It was fun but i didn't want to be there :p that's what happens when you're too tired to spend time with your friends. as soon as sina jeff arrived i went upstairs to rest and watch office.

god i feel tired.

after only 4 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, i again feel like updating. do i have to be tired everytime i write?

a new foreing guest just walked in through the doors of microtel and i could hear the wind gushing outside. what luck that we happen to go to Baguio when there's a typhoon and signal number three :p it's cold, rainy and windy. Bremen weather basically, and i remember why half the time i felt like i should have been depressed.

long day and an even longer one tomorrow. but it's onl every once in a while that you get a real live shaolin kung fu monk do a demonstration of his martial art for you. this happened in the vegetarian restaurant where we ate which had a buddhist theme. its run by this rich american who used to be in shipping and transport and now he's settled here in baguio with his wife to run this place.

i wonder when i'll have my own restaurant.

i'm going to finally retire to my soft comfortable bed. i love hotel rooms.

It's 5am and I still haven't slept. Figured it would be easier to just stay up than sleep for an hour or two and get up and leave. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep the whole 5 hours on the way to Baguio.

That coffee really worked. I can't believe how awake I am and other than the slightest of headaches and faint tiredness in my bones, I feel fine. Was really productive with regard to the JUB alumni magazine. I'm hoping that this Baguio trip isn't as tiring as the last one. At least this time I won't be spending my energy avoiding or forcing myself to be nice to that brazilian. It really does take it's toll, having to constantly relate to people you don't like.

I'll miss my baby bear... it's interesting how each relationship really is different from another. the levels of passion, or the periods where that passion or love is greatest. the lulls and complacency, the effort and frustration. i know the realization may seem a bit stupid for some, but i'm the type of person who likes things just so. and if it isn't that way i'll stubbornly try to make it so.

I'm thankful that Gents hasn't budged too much ;)

learning to let go of expectations is a ticket to peace

just read that in an article today and it seems to represent the last two years of my life and is something i forgot over the last month and a half.

Hey everyone,

I’m currently working for a global education program called Up with People that provides adults with an international experience that teaches servant leadership and uses the performing arts to deliver messages of hope and goodwill throughout the world. We are bringing our program to the Philippines for the first time and a cast of 70 international people will be here from November 13 – December 10.

We are looking for host families to house the students that are coming and I invite you to participate in the program by sharing your home with us. I promise it’ll be a really interesting experience and the people that I’ve met so far are great. Further details are below. Also if you have other friends and family that you think might be interested, please email this text to them and give them my number. Thanks a lot!

*cuteness not guaranteed ;)

Bring the World Into Your Home!!!

• Learn about different customs & cultures
• Make life-long friends
• Impact your community
• Connect with young people from 19 different countries
• Experience the unique Up with People Musical Show

Up with People will be in
Manila for three weeks
Starting on November 13, 2007

As a host family you provide a place for the student(s) to sleep, breakfast and most dinners, as well as an open environment to share customs and cultures. Participants of the Up with People Program are between the ages of 18-29. Student transportation to daily activities will be provided for.

If you are interested in hosting please leave me a comment or email me at lessangst@yahoo.com.

Please visit: www.upwithpeople.org for more information!

barely a week after my visa gets denied, _two_ job offers. confusion ensues...


it's not really that exciting actually, they're both short term deals while i look for a real job, but i really want do to both of them for two very different reasons. the first one i've partially agreed to already is with an international NGO and going to make me feel extremely satisfied and happy over the next three months. the other one is going to further my career, it'll be a springboard for me to switch from IT to marketing. and i'll be working with Intel and multinationals are always good on the resume :p

Anyway... lets see.

So the questions stop, i'll post it now. I'm not leaving :p stupid immigration. it's been iffy for a while so i guess i'm not as sad about now. will pick myself up and get on with the show.

Just finished making the magazine ads for the PESO 2007 launch. need to wake up in 3 hours to go with my dad to by shares of GMA's IPO. this is a useless post. just felt like writing coz ahmed told me he likes it when i write :p

life is good. therefore i do not write :p i don't know what it is about being depressed that makes me want to write in this thing. when i feel great i have no urge. so when i look back on my journal its like a chronicle of all my problems. and honestly there's so much more to my life than my problems, which actually are few and far between compared to most.

but happy posts are boring :p hehe. well not really boring, but i don't really realize anything worth writing down coz i'm content.

ANYWAY, i can't wait to leave. i can't say that enough :p

and have a safe trip may!!!

i'm bored. AND i'm sick. but mostly, i'm bored.

( sick mumblings )